The Cast:



Act I:

I walk into the accounting office, punch in. Leo is staring blankly at his computer screen.

I walk through the stockroom, Bob is on the phone trying to explain to a customer why we claim to be a computer store yet we have NO COMPUTERS in stock.

Through the service tech area I go. Allen is fixing thirteen computers at once while at the same time grumbling about last week's training. Karl's head is stuck in the monitor he was trying to fix - Chucky is looking for a way to get him out.

I make my way to the hotline area. I notice that Joy's unfinished lunch from last week is strewn out all over the table, with roaches and ants having their way with it. Jon is busy trying to find a ZIPDrive cartridge in her hair. Thon is scratching his chin. Robert is obvioulsly dreaming about UNIX. Jerrold is playing with his pornBOT on IRC. Michelle is looking for Beavis and Butthead movies on the net, especially any with Cornholio. There is no empty computer because Greg is on his three hour lunch break and is playing with photoshop on our 8100. I notice that he is working on modifying a Captain Crunch cereal box. I note that he has been working on modifying a Captain Crunch cereal box for three weeks, and wonder why he doesn't prefer to eat lunch on his three hour lunch break. He gets up and I sit down. I get up, move Joy's old shirt that I was sitting on, and sit down again.

The phone rings. I answer it. A customer wants a price on Windows 95. I explain to her that it's not out yet. She becomes flustered, and tells me that she can wait no longer for its release because Microsoft says it will work great with 4 megabytes of RAM, which is all she has on her Quadra 605.

I order Plucker's.

Michelle downs a Mountain Dew.

The phone rings, I answer it. A customer wants to know why we can't sell him Applecare over the phone. I explain our policy to him (the one that I had such an integral part in designing) but he is not satisfied. He starts yelling at me. He starts cursing me and threatening me. He demands to speak to my supervisor. I politely tell him that they are all on the phone and would be more than happy to put him on hold. He curses me again and asks what Apple's number is. He's going straight to the top, he says. I smile smugly as I tell him (800) SOS-APPL.

The phone rings. I look at Jerrold, wondering why he isn't taking calls. His face is three inches away from the screen, his mouth wide open, tongue out - he's panting. He is typing ferociously as sweat pours down his face. I answer the phone. A customer has an extension conflict. As I talk her through the clean install procedure, one of the CD-ROMs hanging from the ceiling drops on my head, causing me to shout with pain. This frightens the customer I was talking to and she then decides that she is unhappy with the level of service that I am providing. She demands to speak with my supervisor. I look over at Thon, notice that he is scratching his chin. I tell him to get line four.

I check my quickmail. AnneN has sent me a notice of 8 SKU's that have changed. I wonder what it must be like to memorize SKU's. I begin to pity AnneN deeply. I delete the message. Thon has sent me a message concerning the 7100 situation:

Okay, here's the situation on the 7100's. We have 1800 people on backorder right now, BUT we are still taking orders because Apple has changed the shipping status from superstrategic allocation to strategic allocation.
Robert wonders aloud whether he needs a haircut.

Michelle downs another Mountain Dew, then she begins braiding Jon's hair.

Matt walks in, and as he sits down he bangs his knee on the table.

Joy talks to herself.

The phone rings. I look at Jerrold, wondering why he isn't taking calls. His face has moved closer to the screen. He's typing even faster now, and sweating through his shirt. His eyes are open so wide that it's strange he doesn't notice the trail of drool from his dangling tongue to the keyboard. I answer the phone. A customer wants to know if the 7100's come with software. I tell him no. He asks why the Performas come with software but the 7100's don't. I smile smugly as I tell him to call (800) SOS-APPL. He asks why anyone would buy a 7100 if they don't come with software. I tell him that the people at Apple must have no notion of what the informed customer is looking for. He asks how much software costs. I tell him $99.

The Plucker's delivery boy arrives and somebody in the room comments on how much I eat Pluckers. I eat 10 hot wings and one half pound of cheese fries.

Thon gets off line 4. He scratches his chin, then asks me to take down all the CD ROMs hanging from the ceiling. Jon, his hair now in a pretty french braid, points out to Thon that he thinks the CD ROMs are a nice touch. The room becomes so silent that all that can be heard is the sound of Jerrold panting and drooling. Jon and Thon glare at each other. Luckily, Robert intervenes, offering to increase their user privileges on the clarksville server if they'll cool off. This seems to pacify Jon and Thon.

Dave walks in, and instantly everyone thinks of that image on AnneN's homepage of Dave with his beard. Dave begins to reminisce about the 70's and Vietnam.

A roach that was drinking Joy's warm orange juice crawls into Jerrold's disk drive.

The phone rings, I answer it. A customer wants to know how he can connect 12 monitors to his Duo 230 running system 4 and his Arabic translation software. I look to Thon, but he's busy being cutesy with his girlfriend Rachel. I look to Robert, but he's busy dreaming about UNIX. I look to Jon, but he's busy wishing he were assistant store manager again. I look to Michelle, but she's busy drinking Mountain Dew. I look to Matt, but he's arguing with Joy about Windows vs. OS/2. So I smile smugly as I tell him to call (800) SOS-APPL.

Micki walks in and tells me that she missed me at training last week. I tell her that I was there but I didn't sign the attendance sheet because I was too busy restraining Allen from attacking the Apple rep.

Jerrold's computer crashes. He snaps out of his trance, infuriated. He pulls out the rest of his hair and storms out.

It's six o'clock, so I close the phone lines and change the automated telephone attendent.

I walk back through the service tech area and Karl is unleashing the contents of a fire extinguisher on a 9500 that exploded as he was working on it. Chucky is trying to list all the Macintosh models alphabetically in pig latin. Allen is working on the same set of 13 computers and is still complaining about last weeks training.

In the stockroom Bob is on the phone with Apple, crying. Tears are streaming down his face as he pleads with the Apple beaurocrat to send us some computers.

I walk into the accounting office, and punch out. Leo is staring blankly at his computer screen.